Although my cultural environment was Christian, my parents were non-believers. I was baptised as a baby, but that was only a tradition based on superstition.
I did believe in God, though, but to me He was some sort of remote person who did not really have any positive personal relationship with me. I saw Him as someone who was always ready to punish for every single wrongdoing. Thinking of the 10 Commandments and the Seven Deadly Sins, I was convinced I would directly go to hell after death. Also, I did not understand the significance of the cross at all. To me there was a God, but Jesus was someone I didn’t really consider as being part of the equation.
Growing up, I thought I was already a Christian as I was baptised as a little girl and confirmed in Anglican Church.
In my adult life, I started using alcohol; initially it was just a glass of wine just to relax. By 2011, I was drinking nonstop and I was addicted to alcohol. I abused wines and spirits and I had to stay on high to function. I wanted to stop drinking but I had no idea how to.
I needed drink to stay ‘alive’. I often wondered why God would make me just so I would end up this way. I thought He was angry at me and was judging me ready to deliver punishment. I could not relate to God whatsoever. To me He was distant and I felt that the only way He would accept me was if I was perfect. Life was totally unbearable; but drink made it ‘somehow’ worthwhile’ until I woke up with a terrible headache and with no money to buy more booze ...